Parents' Guide to Mortifying Moments

You know how it feels when a child asks an intimate question out loud in public or throws himself screaming onto the floor of a store. It's mortifying. And such scenes happen at least once to every parent. I know there have been plenty of times when I just wanted to crawl into the diaper bag and hide—those times when it feels as if a thousand unsympathetic eyes are zeroing in not only on your unruly child but on your imperfections as a parent.

"There is always additional pressure when something happens in public," says Marjorie Kostelnik, Ph.D., chair of the Department of Family and Child Ecology at Michigan State University in East Lansing. "We feel that other people are judging us, and we don't want to be judged poorly."

But you can rise to the occasion. The main thing is to respond to the crisis at hand, and not to the horrified faces around you. "In the end, the public audience doesn't matter," says Dr. Kostelnik. "What matters are the lessons you give your child."

Here are some common embarrassing situations and how to make the best of them:

1. As you're shopping in the supermarket, your usually mild two-year-old throws a major tantrum.
You've just passed the meat counter and are heading for the dairy aisle when your darling toddler throws a screaming fit about Gummi Bears. Relax; most parents have been in your shoes. Appealing to your child's sense of shame ("We don't act like this in public") won't get you anywhere.

"Kids don't consider whether they're at the market or at home," says Dr. Kostelnik. "Once they've lost control, they've lost control." In fact, for some children, having a tantrum in public is a plus. "They know that being loud there works. It often gets them what they want, such as being hustled out of the store," Dr. Kostelnik says.

For the most part, you're just going to have to stand there and let your child have his tantrum. However, you may find it more effective to take the child out of the store for a few minutes. There, you can hold him and say, "You sound really angry. I'm just going to wait here with you until you're done."

"If you feel a need to explain yourself to the crowd," says Dr. Kostelnik, "you might say, 'We've found that the best way to deal with this is to just let him cry a bit and then he'll calm down.'" Remember, though, that your priority is dealing with your child, not worrying about what people think.

2. Your feisty three-year-old takes off all her clothes and runs around naked in front of company.
This situation makes some adults more uncomfortable than others. If your guest seems uneasy, you may decide to take action. For instance, excuse yourself and take your child aside privately. Then say to her, "You're having a really good time, but your body is private. I'd like you to put your clothes back on." If the child resists, says Alice Sterling Honig, Ph.D., professor emerita of child development at Syracuse University in New York, help her choose a big T-shirt cover-up to wear. If necessary, Dr. Honig says, safety-pin her shirt to her underpants in the back so she can't get the clothes off.

3. Your toddler's peaceful playdate suddenly turns traumatic when he bites his friend.
The important thing here is to move in swiftly. "Immediately bend down and hold your child by the shoulders," Dr. Honig says. "Look him in the eye and say, 'Biting hurts. You are not allowed to hurt anyone.'" Your attention should then be turned to the injured child and his parent. Apologize to them; then, get your child involved. "Ask him to do something for the other child, such as getting a wet washcloth to help soothe the victim," says Dr. Kostelnik. "This helps replace the act of aggression with an act of kindness."

Make sure the wound (if there is one) has been cleaned and treated with soap and water. But don't feel that you should shame your child. "Biting is pretty normal behavior in toddlerhood. Probably at one time or another the other parent has been on the opposite end of this situation," says Dr. Kostelnik. (On a positive note: Biting almost always decreases toward the end of the preschool years.)

4. Your curious four-year-old makes an anatomical reference in public.
When private matters are blurted out in front of strangers, most of us tend to squirm. Unfortunately, children don't always feel the same way, and they sometimes make loud, intimate announcements. Dr. Honig recalls being in a quiet museum when a little girl standing in front of a painting suddenly exclaimed, "Look, that doggy in the picture has a penis. My daddy has a much bigger penis!" Try to keep your discomfort under control. If your child is asking about a subject you don't care to discuss in public, just say, "My, what an interesting observation. We'll talk about that at home," or even, "I'll tell you about that when you're older."

5. As you're chatting with other parents in the playground, your intense three-year-old comes up and hits you.
Playing to the crowd by laughing this off or ignoring it would be inappropriate. "Don't let the public nature of this act change the way you respond to the hitting," says Dr. Kostelnik. "Kids often know that in public the parent backs off." You need to send the message that it doesn't matter where they misbehave. Say calmly and firmly, "No hitting. If you're angry, you need to use words." Then, because the behavior may be a bid for attention, make sure you listen to those words and take your child's needs seriously.

6. As the airplane takes off, your child starts screaming—and keeps it up for most of the trip.
Even if you're armed with an arsenal of pacifiers and playthings, your child may end up screeching. And with good reason: Air travel can be hard on young children because their eustachian tubes become clogged more easily than adults' do, and a child can end up with an earache.

When the screaming starts, immediately let your child know that you will try to comfort and protect him, and signal to others that you are aware of their discomfort. Give your youngster a drink; swallowing helps to equalize air pressure in the ears. Be sure to keep your cool with passengers around you who might be irritated. Dr. Honig advises saying, "I'm trying everything I know. I'm sorry. I am aware that this isn't pleasant to listen to." Embarrassment will only make the situation worse, says Dr. Honig. The more tense and anxious you are from worrying what others are thinking, the more difficult it will be for you to comfort your child.

7. Your inquisitive preschooler asks loudly, "What's wrong with that man in the wheelchair?"
Instead of wishing you could sink through the floor, Dr. Honig suggests using this moment to "teach your child about people with special needs and the importance of having compassion for others." If possible, explain the situation to your child in simple, matter-of-fact language: "The man's legs don't work so well. Isn't it wonderful that he has a wheelchair to help him get around?" If the person you are discussing can hear your conversation, take this into consideration but don't feel the need to apologize or whisper. If you treat the question, and the disability, with respect, it is unlikely the person will be offended.

Hushing your child or saying "That's not nice" may, in fact, be more offensive than answering your child's questions head-on, because it indicates that having a disability is too awful to talk about. Dr. Kostelnik says, "Remember that your youngster's questions come out of natural curiosity."

8. Your child repeats an uncomfortable truth about someone—in front of that person.
As you're pouring wine for your in-laws at dinner, your four-year-old suddenly pipes up with, "None for Grandpa, Mommy. You said he gets silly when he drinks." As the parent, you need to make a quick recovery to save everyone's feelings. Dr. Kostelnik suggests looking for the positive in what the child is saying. Obviously, your daughter has picked up on your concerns and is worried about her grandfather. "Say something like, 'You want to make sure we take good care of Grandpa,'" says Dr. Kostelnik. Later on, you can explain to your child why it's better that some truths are left unspoken. Stress the importance of not hurting people's feelings. And next time be more careful about what you say in front of your child. If you must say something negative about someone, do it when little ears are not going to pick up the message.

9. The word share is not in your three-year-old's vocabulary, and a playdate is turning ugly.
By refusing to let a friend play with a favorite toy, your child may look selfish and unmannered to others. But the fact is, young children do not share easily, and most parents are aware of this. So quickly step in and offer the playmate a similar toy. To ease any tension you or the other parent may feel, say, "Won't it be great when they can really share things in a couple of years?" When the tables are turned and a friend's child is being miserly, ease your friend's embarrassment by saying, "Don't worry about it. Diane is just being a genuine two-year-old." Whenever possible, try to provide enough similar toys for both kids to play with even without sharing.

For all these uncomfortable times, the key is always to react to the child, not solely to the feelings you are experiencing. "Respond as though the child is the most important person there," says Dr. Kostelnik. When your youngster hits you in public, for instance, you need to address that behavior. Keep your cool. "The bottom line is that you're going to have to live with your child, not with the public," Dr. Kostelnik says. The people in the store will forget all about you ten minutes from now. You need to focus on the lesson you want to teach your child. This will have lasting significance.

It also helps to look back at past awkward moments and recall how you survived them. And remember: What turns your face red today will probably become a great family story tomorrow.

DON'T JUST STAND THERE AND STARE!
How can you help lessen another parent's discomfort in embarrassing situations? The experts offer these suggestions:

Antonia van der Meer is the author of Great Beginnings: An Illustrated Guide to You and Your Baby's First Year (Dell).